


This Too Is Yours

by ideserveyou



Category: Arthur of the Britons
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Canon, Slash, Tears, The Duel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-24
Updated: 2010-07-24
Packaged: 2017-10-10 18:41:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/102874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ideserveyou/pseuds/ideserveyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur and Kai have a wager, which leads to a lot more</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One More Thing

"I can see it!"  
"Where?"  
"There - in the distance, behind that tree - look!"  
"I can't see anything except more trees. We must be miles away still."  
"I tell you, Kai, I can see smoke over there. It's the village, I know it is. And that means - "  
Kai groans ruefully. He can see the smoke now too. "That means you saw it first, so you win. Again. But please, let me carry on riding my horse - I mean, your horse - until we get home." He flashes Arthur a dazzling smile. "Then we can get the dice out and I can win him back..."

Suddenly the smile fades, to be replaced by a look of concern. Arthur follows his gaze to where Llud, a little way behind, is sitting grimly upright in his saddle, his face set tight with pain and weariness. The battle at Modred's Field has taken it out of the old warrior, to say nothing of his duel with Mark, and despite his refusal to admit it, they both know he's been struggling to keep up the pace on their hard ride home.   
"Just keep going," Arthur says quietly, and lays a hand on Kai's arm. "We'll be home by nightfall and then we'll get him to the healer if we have to tie him up and drag him to her hut."  
Kai grins at the thought. Arthur's eyes meet his for an instant, then all too soon the beloved gaze and touch are withdrawn as Arthur turns to shout the cheerful news to Llud and the others, that home is in sight.

Kai heaves a sigh as he kicks his now-forfeit horse back into a walk. It's always the same: always he must make do with a look, a smile, a word, a touch, these brief and precious moments of contact with Arthur that he hoards obsessively in his memory. Over the years he has grown expert at making a little go a long way, knowing that a little may be all he can ever have. But it's like living on crumbs when he is hungry, so hungry.  
He wants more.  
And he is beginning to think that perhaps Arthur does too. Or was he imagining it on that night before the battle, when their eyes met and their playful scuffle so nearly turned into something quite different? Before Llud's bad-tempered outburst shattered the moment? On the way home Arthur has been light-hearted, bantering, cheerful, taking every opportunity for a game, a race, a wager. Almost as if he's avoiding something. Kai shakes his head. Perhaps it means nothing more than relief at having won the battle.   
But then again...

It's nearly dark and Llud is in a bad way by the time they reach the village. He sways and mutters as they help him from his horse, and shows no resistance as they take him to the healer's hut and help him onto the bed. Eyes wide with concern, she probes his shoulder with expert fingers, then lays a hand first on his forehead and then over his heart. Mute though she is, she has no trouble communicating; her expressive face and hands tell them that he's very sick, that his fever has returned, that he is exhausted, that he needs to stay right where he is for the night, and that she doesn't think much of either of them for bringing him home in such a state.   
Dismissed in disgrace, they head back to the longhouse. The fire's out and the water-jar is empty; they draw straws to decide who goes to the woodpile and the well, and for once it is Arthur who loses.   
Taking this as a good omen, Kai resolves to stake everything that remains to him on one final gamble.

When Arthur returns with his burdens, he finds a fire kindled in the hearth, two beakers of mead poured ready on the table, and Kai wrapped in his big piebald cloak and bent double over the big iron-bound storage chest, rummaging for something in its depths.  
"Kai?"  
"Mmm?"   
"What on earth - "  
"Aha! Got it." Kai straightens up, a single silver piece glinting in his hand. "I knew there was one more in there somewhere." He tosses it onto his bed, where he's made a pile of all sorts of things. Arthur makes out a few familiar objects: Kai's winter blanket, a spare saddlecloth, three boar spears, his tinderbox and cooking pot...   
"Are you out of your senses? What is all this?"  
Kai grins. "Your winnings."  
"My what?"  
"Your winnings. Everything I possess. Oh, apart from the horse and his harness; there wasn't room for those on the bed."  
The big Saxon is smiling, but there is a wariness about him too, a tension, and Arthur is suddenly aware that this isn't just a game any more.   
"Everything, Kai?"   
Arthur moves a step closer; the pile on the bed comes into focus and he realises that this is indeed everything his sword-brother possesses. Right down to the little wooden horse Llud carved for him when he was small... and his boots... and the studded black war-tunic that he was wearing when they rode home...  
And he realises that this game is no longer about possessions.

"There is also one more thing." Kai's voice trembles slightly, despite all his efforts to keep it level. So much depends on this.  
Arthur looks up and meets his eyes. "The cloak?"  
Kai catches his breath, but he hesitates only for a heartbeat before shaking his head, unclasping the heavy chain at his throat, and casting the cloak onto the pile.

It is Arthur's turn to catch his breath, for under the cloak Kai is completely, bravely, magnificently naked.

"This," Kai says as he steps forward to take Arthur by the shoulders. "If you desire it, this too is yours."


	2. The Answer

Arthur is overwhelmed.  
Caught off-guard by this unexpected challenge, he has no idea how to respond. No lesson he has ever learned has prepared him for such a moment.  
For once in his life, he's lost for words.

All his senses are filled with Kai: the flicker of firelight on the bright tangle of his hair, the harsh sound of his breathing, the warmth and nearness of his lean body, the familiar clean sweetness of his skin, the burning need in his dark eyes... Arthur glimpsed the same need three nights ago, after the ant race, as Kai turned away from him in response to Llud's warning, hiding his pain from the watching eyes of the others.

And the same longing is coursing through Arthur's body too. Just as it did three nights ago.   
Only this time there is nobody watching.

This time he could take the risk.

Kai is waiting for him to take it. But he won't wait for ever. Already the big hands on Arthur's shoulders are trembling and the first terrible doubt is creeping into Kai's face. Soon he will turn away with that same expression of pain, ashamed and defeated, and the moment will be lost. Arthur knows he can't let that happen. He understands now how much courage was needed for Kai to cast that cloak aside and reveal himself, body and soul, and he wants to do the same, wants to make Kai happy, wants it so much, but something holds him back from taking that final step.

If only he knew what to say...

Llud's voice rings clearly in his mind, from many years ago. 'Arthur, there is a time for words and a time for action. As a leader, make sure you learn well how to tell the difference.'

Kai's head droops and his grip loosens; he blinks back sudden tears.

This is a time for action.

Arthur's hand reaches up to caress the nape of Kai's neck, and as that beloved face turns blindly towards him, he kisses him on the mouth. He is unpractised and a little clumsy, and he has to break it off after a few moments because he's shuddering uncontrollably, but the look of astonished joy in Kai's eyes tells him that it is enough.

'Arthur.' Kai's voice is unsteady. 'I - I thought -'

'I know. I'm sorry. I just - didn't know how to answer you.'

Kai grins. 'Would you answer me again? I'm not sure I heard you properly.'

He dips his head and lets his mouth meet Arthur's a second time.


	3. The Hearthside

The fire is burning low again, and Kai is perfectly content.  
He is sitting on a rug beside the hearth with a cup of mead in his hand and Arthur's head in his lap, and for the moment he could ask for nothing more.

Arthur sighs and stirs a little; draws a ragged breath. Kai lays a gentle hand on the glossy dark hair and soothes him back into stillness. Later there will be words to say, questions to ask, the future to consider, but for now the companionable silence is enough. They need a breathing space, time to realise what's just happened, time to recover.

Kai's body is at rest, but his heart is full and his senses are tingling: his whole world has changed. Bright images whirl through his mind. Arthur barring the door with a couple of spears and turning round with the broadest smile he's ever smiled. Arthur's mouth seeking his, this time with assurance. Arthur's hands questing down the length of his body, exploring, accepting, taking possession. His own hands exploring in their turn, helping Arthur to strip, savouring the feel of his skin, at the same time familiar and totally unknown. The glorious shock of Arthur's nakedness, no longer forbidden, and the joy of being free to look, and touch, and give him pleasure.   
Such pleasure... it still makes him breathless to think of it. Not so much on his own account, though that was astonishing enough, but on Arthur's. He's never seen anyone enjoy anything so intensely. And to think that he was the cause of it... He had been afraid that Arthur's inexperience and evident apprehension would hold him back, that his habitual self-control would reassert itself, that he would find some practical and logically unassailable reason why they should go no further, but after a few moments of hesitation - when Kai's heart seemed to stop beating - Arthur smiled into Kai's eyes and gave himself utterly and completely into Kai's hands. An act of such love, courage and trust that Kai had a lump in his throat as he laid Arthur down on the hearthrug and caressed him with lips and tongue and fingertips, feeling the fear and tension ebb away from both their bodies to be replaced by a growing urgency of desire.

'I love you.'  
How long has he been waiting for Arthur to say that, and mean it in the same way that Kai means it?  
But he has said it now, and Kai has heard it, and knows that it is true, and trembles at the enormity and the wonder of it.   
'I love you.'  
Three words, and Kai has given away his heart and soul.  
To say nothing of his body...

Arthur's soft cry of ecstasy will stay with Kai forever; it is the most beautiful sound he has ever heard. Afterwards, they were both in tears; Kai's passed like a summer shower, a brief release, but Arthur buried his face in the coarse fur of the rug and sobbed and sobbed, and he was still weeping softly as Kai gently washed him clean, fetched the mead and made him drink, and sat down and took the beloved dark head on his knees. He is still not certain of the cause of Arthur's grief, but he knows Arthur will tell him in his own good time.

Meanwhile, he is content to wait. He lifts the mead cup and takes another drink.


	4. One Winter Night

Arthur wakes from a blurred half-dream to find Kai's hand on his shoulder. 'That's the last of the wood gone. And you were asleep just now. Come on, let's go to bed.'

Arthur can't help the tremor that runs through his body at those words. What happened earlier was so overwhelming, and the flood of memories and emotions that came afterwards so shattering, that he's not sure yet how he feels about it. Despite the pleasure, he's not sure that he will ever be able to bring himself to let go like that again.   
Not even for Kai.

Kai's voice shakes. 'I - I didn't mean -' He takes a deep breath, steadies himself. 'Arthur, I would never ask for more if you weren't willing to give it. We need rest, and it's getting cold, and if you'd rather sleep alone...' He scrambles to his feet, turns his face away and concentrates on practical tasks, banking up the fire, straightening the rug, putting the empty cups back on the table, and finally turning down the fur cover on Arthur's bed.   
He turns round uncertainly as Arthur crosses the room to join him. But before he can even ask the question he's been so carefully framing in his mind, Arthur has him fast by the hand and is drawing him down into the bed beside him, pulling him close.

And even as Arthur confronts his fear, suddenly it is gone, replaced by a sense of comfort and security that he'd almost forgotten. He has been here before. No harm will come to him while Kai is with him. He can sleep... He feels the taut muscles in his back and limbs relaxing, and he knows that Kai can feel it too.

Kai draws the covers back over both of them, buries his face in Arthur's neck and breathes like a man who has been running a race. Arthur stretches out luxuriously in the shared warmth of their bodies and says passionately: 'I've missed this.'   
'Not as much as I have.' Kai's voice is muffled in Arthur's hair. 'That first winter after we came to live with you - you used to sneak into my bed on the coldest nights -'   
'And you'd complain about my cold feet. But you never turned me away.'

Arthur remembers those sleepless nights all too well. It was a bitter winter that year. His mother had always kept the fire in at night; Llud, however, was of the opinion that a fire at night was a waste of good logs, so the longhouse in the small hours was freezing. It had been a wonderfully comforting revelation when he'd discovered that Kai's bed was warmer than his own, and that he was welcome in it.   
'We used to curl up together like a pair of hound puppies.' Kai is smiling now. 'And you'd thaw those icy feet out and fall asleep and I'd have to stay awake so that I could kick you out again before first light so that Llud would be none the wiser. And you snored -'   
Arthur gives a snort of mock indignation and digs Kai in the ribs. 'I never snore.'   
'Like a little sleeping piglet. I used to have to poke you to make you stop. Like this.'   
'Hey -'   
There is a brief and friendly scuffle before Arthur settles back into Kai's arms and heaves a happy sigh. He chuckles. 'And do you remember the night when you dozed off and talked in your sleep, and Llud did catch us?'

'How could I forget?'   
Kai can laugh at it now, but at the time it was the worst night of his young life. 'He was so angry with us - '   
'- Hauled us out by the ear, one at a time -'   
'Stood us on the hearthrug and lectured us while we shivered -'   
' "Comfort makes the body grow soft. A true warrior scorns comfort. A warrior needs only his courage to keep him warm." '   
Arthur's impression of Llud is uncannily accurate. Kai shakes with laughter. 'Then he took both our blankets away and put them under his own bed-'   
'And fell asleep straight away, and I had to lie there and shiver for the rest of the night, listening to him snoring like an old badger, and you crying because you were cold.'

Arthur's voice is suddenly serious again and he pulls Kai a little closer to him. He'd hated the feeling of listening to that tiny, desolate thread of sound and being powerless to help. That was worse than any punishment Llud could have devised.   
There is a small silence before Kai says quietly: 'I wasn't crying because I was cold.'   
'Don't try to deny it. I know, I had to listen to you -'

Kai's voice is warm with affection. 'Arthur. Not because I was cold. Because _you_ were.'


	5. The Wooden Horse

'Pass me that saddlecloth, would you?'

It is morning in the longhouse, and Arthur and Kai are putting Kai's belongings away. Arthur has agreed that Kai's final, astonishing gift last night cancels all debts, and so Kai once again has possessions and a horse to his name, at least until the next wager.

Kai stows the saddlecloth in the chest, hangs his spare cloak on its peg by the door, and sneaks back across the room to catch Arthur unawares as he's straightening the blankets. He slides a chilly hand under Arthur's fur cloak and laughs aloud at his indignation.   
'Well, it's your fault. You should have put some clothes on under that thing.'  
Kai tickles with the expertise of years; Arthur is laughing now too, laughing so hard he loses his balance and sits down hard on Kai's bed.  
'OW!' Something has been left behind in the blankets, something solid and angular and unpleasantly sharp. Arthur pulls it out from underneath him and throws it at the grinning Kai, who catches it neatly. 'That's not funny.'  
He scrambles to his feet again, rubbing a bruised thigh, and turns to see what it is that has attacked him.

Kai is looking thoughtful. He is holding a little wooden horse in his big hands, the little horse that Llud carved for him when he was newly arrived in the Celtic village, somehow finding time to make this simple gift for his new son. It was the first thing to put a smile on that solemn little Saxon face. He'd shared it with Arthur soon afterwards, and they'd had many a game with tiny warriors made of straw to ride on its back, adventuring through the forest, even nearly losing it in the river once.  
'I remember that horse,' Arthur says. 'You took it with you everywhere. Even after you came to live in the longhouse. You used to sit by the hearth and rub its ears for comfort.'  
'Did I?'   
Arthur smiles at this, for sure enough Kai is absently rubbing his thumb in a familiar movement over its ears, which are polished smooth from years of similar treatment.  
'You're doing it now.'  
Kai looks down and grins self-deprecatingly. 'So I am. Old habits die hard, huh?'  
The grin fades as he looks up again and sees that once again there are tears in Arthur's eyes.

'What is it? What's wrong?'  
Arthur shakes his head and buries his face in his hands. 'I had no such comfort,' he whispers.  
Kai looks hurt. 'You could have had it from me, and welcome, if you hadn't been too proud to ask.'  
There is a long silence as Arthur fights fiercely to regain control of himself. Finally he takes his hands away from his face , struggling to say the words that he's never been able to say before, still barely able to believe that he can finally admit his weakness.  
'Not too proud,' he says at last. 'I was too afraid.'

'And... now?' Kai forces himself to ask the question; he's not certain he will want to hear the answer.

Arthur looks up and meets Kai's eyes.

'Now... with you, I promise that I will never be either.'

The little wooden horse falls softly onto the bed behind them.


	6. The Loss

'From the day my father died, everyone told me that I could never afford to show weakness.'  
Arthur is trying, haltingly, to explain himself to Kai, or perhaps to both of them. Kai moves the wooden horse onto the chest, sits Arthur down on the bed and sits beside him with an arm around his shoulders.

'Llud, my mother, even you... You all expected me to act like the leader I was destined to be. And so I learned to keep myself always under control. I built defences around my fear until nobody but I could tell it was there. I learned to fight, to lead, to be strong. And sometimes it was so difficult to be strong...'

Kai remembers the day when they learned that Arthur's father had been killed at the battle of Ilchester. He'd been staying in the longhouse, as had become usual when Llud went away to battle, sharing Arthur's meals and lessons and always rather in awe of Arthur's mother with her flashing dark eyes and sharp intelligence. Much as he enjoyed spending more time than usual with Arthur, he always looked forward to Llud's return, to the wide smile of greeting, the hearthside stories of daring deeds, perhaps a new dagger or a fine cloak brought home as spoil of war. This time Llud came back looking more than usually grim, merely nodded to the boys, went straight into the bedchamber with Arthur's mother alone, and shut the door. Arthur and Kai waited anxiously in the hall for what seemed like hours, listening to the low, serious murmur of voices behind the bedroom door, aware from the unusual silence in the rest of the village that something terrible had happened. When Llud finally emerged, bringing with him Arthur's mother white-faced but dry-eyed, he said no word but simply put a hand on Kai's shoulder and led him back to their own hut. Kai heard Arthur cry out in anguish as they walked away.

But Llud wouldn't let him turn back.

After that day, things were different. Arthur seemed suddenly to have grown up and was serious and distant with everyone, even Kai, for a while, seemingly conscious of his new status. Kai waited patiently for his friend to come back to him; and as Llud started giving them battle training together, in between his new duties as acting head of the tribe, Arthur gradually began to return to something like his old self.  
But the next winter his mother fell sick; she fought to the end but died in the spring. Arthur set the flame to her pyre and Kai's heart broke to see his bravery and composure as the whole village looked on. He wept briefly on Kai's shoulder afterwards and told him not to tell anyone. 'Arthur never weeps,' he had said. 'From now on, that's how it must be.'  
And Llud and Kai moved into the longhouse.

Arthur heaves a huge sigh, forces himself to continue. 'Since I lost my mother, I hadn't shed a tear until last night. I thought I had forgotten how to weep, that you'd think I was weak -'  
'No, Arthur. Never that.'  
'-Or that something terrible would happen if I did - that perhaps if I let myself start, I'd never be able to stop.'  
'Last night,' Kai murmurs into his hair, 'I thought you never would.... Was it for your mother you wept, then?'  
There is a long silence before Arthur whispers brokenly: 'No, I wept for a loss far greater, and of my own making -'  
He can't go on; Kai holds him close until he can speak again.

'Last night, you showed me that it was quite safe to reveal all my weakness to you... and that it would always have been safe to do so... but my fear had been holding me back. And it broke my heart. We could have had years of this - instead I bore my burdens alone and so did you. It was for those lost years I wept. And for the pain I caused you. Oh Kai, my Kai, you loved me from the very first day -'

'And I will love you until my very last.' Kai takes Arthur's face between his hands and looks into his troubled eyes. 'You gave me a gift last night that can never be taken from me - a gift beyond anything I expected or deserved. You let me be the first.' He smiles gently. 'And this is a burden you need not bear alone, not any more. Your loss is not just of your own making. Arthur, I could have crossed this bridge before now but I never dared. I'll never reproach you for those lost years - just so long as you let me help you make up for them now...'


	7. The Gift

Arthur is astonished.   
He had expected Kai to be angry, upset, heartbroken even, by what he's just told him.  
He had expected cutting words or even blows, and he would have accepted them as no more than he deserved.  
He certainly hadn't expected Kai to forgive him so easily.

But it seems that Kai has done just that, and moreover that he's intent on starting to make up for lost time right away, for his hands are once again sliding beneath the fur cloak to caress Arthur's skin.  
He tugs the cloak free and slips it over Arthur's head, flings his own cloak aside, stands there naked and smiling and irresistible.  
Arthur is on his feet and in Kai's arms in an instant, holding him, as through all these lonely years he has never allowed himself to hold him, close against his heart, breathing him in, drowning in pleasure.

It's still early morning and the hut is chilly; he can feel Kai shivering. They meet each other's eyes and with one accord turn back to the bed and burrow under the blankets. Arthur lays his head on Kai's shoulder and stretches out against his flank, pressing against him as though he can't get close enough.

Kai is still shivering, but no longer with cold.

Arthur is still astonished. The knot of lonely sorrow in his chest has untied itself and vanished, and it is all thanks to Kai, to that moment when he took off the cloak last night and gave himself to Arthur, starting them on the journey that has led them to this happy understanding.

Now Arthur wants to give him something in return.

This is unfamiliar territory to him and for a little while he doesn't know how to begin. Then he remembers the feel of Kai's mouth on his own skin last night, and a mead-fuelled conversation in some battle encampment somewhere a couple of winters ago, Kai laughing at him for his inexperience and telling him more than he'd really wanted to know about the best time it was possible to have in bed...

He raises himself on one elbow, brushes the tangled blond hair back from Kai's face, kisses him gently on the forehead. Kai's eyes are closed and he is breathing deeply; Arthur's lips brush over his eyelids and move delicately down his cheek to explore the contours of his mouth. Kai's lips part and Arthur takes his mouth in a kiss, keeping it slow and light and soft, savouring each moment. His tongue enters briefly and then withdraws; Kai makes a small sound of pleasure, or protest, as Arthur tears himself away and moves on, over the slight rasp of stubble on jaw and chin, to the soft pulsing hollow of Kai's throat.

He can hear Kai's heartbeat thundering in his ears; or perhaps it is his own. His mouth and nose are filled with the musky scent and taste of Kai's skin. He no longer knows quite where he ends and Kai begins. And anyway it no longer matters.

Kai's chest is beaded with sweat as Arthur pulls back the blanket; his small, neat nipples are standing proud, and not from the cold. Arthur caresses each in turn with his tongue, drawing a moan of longing from their owner. Kai reaches down to pull Arthur's body on top of his own, his erection hot and hard against Arthur's belly. For a few moments Arthur is almost overwhelmed, but he masters himself and moves on, feeling Kai writhe beneath him as his mouth continues to travel southwards. The flushed, taut skin of Kai's stomach; the subtle hollow of his navel; the soft, curled hairs leading into his groin; the curves and folds that ripple and tighten as he cups their cool rounded heaviness in his hand.

And now, at last, he has reached his destination. And once again he is astonished. At himself for doing this, and at the fact that Kai is letting him do it. Longing for him to do it. He closes a hand around the rigid shaft of Kai's manhood, feeling the pulsing heat within it, stroking carefully from base to tip. He lowers his head and brushes his lips against the silk-soft skin.

'Please-' Kai whispers. He is shaking with the effort of controlling himself. 'Please-'

Arthur raises his head and takes Kai gently, very gently, into his mouth.

Kai's back arches and a low wail escapes him; a sudden warm flood fills Arthur's mouth, earthy and sweet. He swallows, licks, swallows again, releases Kai carefully, stretches up to kiss him and let him taste it too.

Kai puts a hand down between their bodies to grasp Arthur's aching hardness and give him release.

Once again, Arthur gives a soft cry of ecstasy.

Once again, he is in tears; but this time they are tears of joy.


End file.
